cassiekellner's Blog

i came to a conclusion last night. I keep trying finding things to keep my husband and I together. Trying to want to do the things he likes but I don't like them. Like going out all the time. I have been thinking I have to go out and see people just as much as he does but...I don't like doing that. So why should I? I like to be alone sometimes. I like to go out also but I don't have to just to make him happy. We don't have to make ourselves compatible anymore. We have things in common and it is good to do those things together but I shouldn't just do things that he likes just to have more in common. If I don't feel comfortable with the situation I don't want to do it and I think I can be confident in that. We are different people and neither of us should be ashamed about what we like and want to do. I just have to figure out more things I like to do.

Well I have decided I really need to talk with a professional. Not sure how because of my insurance isn't taken most places but I am going to try. My husband is usually the person I talk about all of this stuff but considering a lot of it has to do with him I need to find someone outside other than you wonderful people. Someone who can help me come to terms with everything that is going on.
I try to talk to him about these things thinking he can help me more from an outward point of view because he is usually very good at it. Now he isn't so good. I think he is offended by how I am feeling because he doesn't want to feel bad for the way he wants to live which is understandable. I just hurt him every time I bring it up so I know I need someone who can give me different ways to deal with it. I never want to lose him as my best friend just because I cannot deal with all of this stuff on my own,
I really hope I can find someone around my hometown to help me.

So I am not sure where to start. I am a mother of one and soon to another. I am married to a man that wants a divorce when we can afford to. The main thing going on in my life right now is trying to keep my emotional pregnancy hormones under control in a world that keeps shitting on me.
If I write anything in this blog it is well all complaints. I have a wonderful almost 3 year old daughter that sees me cry often who tries her hardest to cheer me up and even that doesn't help the way it should. I am dealing horribly with my separation. I am depressed and jealous and confused. My relationship with my husband is an odd one but one I would not change for the world. He is my best friend even after he asked for a divorce I could not give up this man. Over all he is the most supportive man that one could ever know, we have been through so much together and he is an amazing father. I always want to have a family with him especially since he is also an amazing father. I am just not thinking right. I am pregnant so emotions are running high and getting in the way of thinking logically. You would think acknowledging the problem would help solve it but it doesn't. I always am thinking about what I am missing with him, what he is doing without me holding him down. I honestly have no idea how to deal with the craziness going on in my head right now...